Matty M’s Top Tips for Keeping Safe at Christmas

Hi all.

First of all, a very Merry Christmas to all of you!!!!

Here’s a little (reposted) bit of humour from my blog last Christmas, hope it makes you smile.


It is well known that fun and high spirits are the cause of at least 7 headaches and 12 paper cuts every second. But don’t you worry, Matty M has got your back. Here are my top ten tips for keeping the whole family safe over Christmas:

1) Accidental auto-surgery is the cause of at least three injuries every Christmas. When you’re preparing the turkey on Christmas morning, please be careful not to remove your own giblets.


2) Gift-wrapping razor blades may be funny, but its not nice.


3) Don’t panic! Its not a bomb, it’s just a cracker. There is no need to jump out of the window.

4) Don’t drink and drive. Get a taxi. Remember, the office bike will not get you home.

5) No matter how irritating it gets, you must not punch Cliff Richard. (Ok, so this one’s optional. Sorry Cliff, but you ruined both our summer and winter holidays)

6) Drinking makes everyone think they are Superman. Christmas sherry makes you think you are Santa Claus. You’re not, he has a better beard. Please don’t climb onto your neighbour’s roof and down their chimney.


7) Using up the left-overs is good. Sprout curry is not. Put the loo roll in the fridge.

8) Too much computer gaming is bad for your health. At least have New Year’s Eve away from World of Warcraft. Watch Jools Holland’s Hootenanny, don’t duel trolls and shoot a granny.

9) Sexual health is especially important at this time of year. Wear a femdom at all times, immaculate conception is at its highest in the winter months.


And finally,

10) Whatever you do… don’t feed them after midnight.



Remember kids, your safety is my number one priority.


Much love,

Matty M


(Disclaimer: The statistics in this highly factual piece of fiction may have been completely and utterly made up)

Review of the Olympic Games, 4024

Hey all.

I just wanted to share with you my experience of the Olympic Games just passed. What a fabulous event it was, bringing together all the people of the world to take part in a friendly yet unparalleled level of competition.

As I’m sure you know, the modern day Olympics happens every four years and is in a different city every time. This year I was so excited as for the first time ever, it was in my home city of Wolverhampton, England! The vibe and atmosphere around the city was unbelievable, and everything seemed to run smoothly in all the new arenas built for the event.

Of course, I had the whole five weeks off such that I could soak up the atmosphere and watch as many events as possible.

I didn’t actually go to any though, I couldn’t be bothered. It would have taken me a whole five minutes to fly my hoverboard to the Olympic Stadium. That’s a lot of effort. I watched it all in my bedroom in virtual reality on the Interactivenet. The atmosphere was far better here anyway. Sat under my little body scanner like everyone else, it meant that there were around 3 million people I could talk to, and they were all clapping and screaming through the surround sound in my room. It was electrifying.

There are two parts to the Olympics, the first of which is the main event and gets the most coverage. This is where all the fastest and strongest competitors compete for their gold medals. Cyborgs and androids from all around the world are put through rigorous routines and tested to the highest degree. Only those which pass the most stringent tests and have the highest specifications can enter.

The second part of the event has just finished. Personally, this is the part I enjoy the most even if it doesn’t get the same amount of attention. The Homolympics, the Olympics for Homo Sapiens, is the part of the Olympics where normal people like you and me compete. It’s such a rarity to see sports played. Yes, we play them virtually through the Interactivenet all the time, but actually outside? In the polluted air? I have to say though, it’s amazing to see these athletes in their prime, some of them are so fit they even weigh in at under 20 stone!

Below are reviews of some of my favourite events and moments of the 4024 Wolverhampton Olympic Games.

The Ultimate Marathon

This gruelling event is a race consisting of 43 regular marathons run in a row. The original marathon is now one of the shortest events at the Olympics and the best androids finish it in around 15 seconds. The ultimate marathon is the longest distance event in the Olympics, and I can’t exactly remember the story, but it is something about a man in a dress running 43 marathons in a row to help children in Africa back in the 2000’s. Something like that. Anyway, this guy was a real hero and this race commemorates that achievement.

The Ultimate Marathon began and ended in Wolverhampton and went all around the UK to Wales, Scotland and Ireland. The two most fancied competitors were Rob Cod of Great Britain, and Artur Dieter of Germany. Unbelievably though, a unfancied young American called Dale Heck led the field from start to finish, breaking the world record by almost a minute and a half, and it could have been more! He was already celebrating as he ran up Darlington St to cross the finish line next to Beatties. However, after a thorough investigation amidst furious protestations from his coaches, Dale Heck was disqualified. Drugs tests had found that he was using what is known as the “invigorating lube”, WDK40, to enhance his performance. Disqualification meant a victory for the aforementioned Brit!

Extreme Gymnastics

Despite having its critics who say that this is not a proper Homolympic event, even though it has been a part of the Games for about 50 years now, I always enjoy watching the Extreme Gymnastics, especially the Bungee Routine.

Launching herself off a 200m high tower, Xie Xhu Xie performed a spectacular triple somersault, double twist with tuck on the way down, with a quadruple backwards somersault on the way up. This scored her the first ever perfect 10 in Homolympics history, which she followed up with performances in Hoverboard Vaulting and Artistic Planking on the way to the Women’s Individual Extreme Gymnastics gold medal.

Artistic Planking

Speed Vacuuming – Coarse Dust Division

Probably the robotic sport with the longest tradition, the Speed Vacuuming final was the closest fought event of recent times. The defending champion Ben Derr was losing by 2.01 seconds at the halfway stage of two tonnes, yet caught up and finally won by a hundredth of a second! This was Ben Derr’s 105th Olympic medal, and made him the most successful Olympian of all time. Well known for a quirky curl on the top of his head, this fashion has spiralled out of control with robots all over the world getting them fitted, or even in some cases performing auto-surgery of various success rates in desperation to emulate their hero.

Men’s Four Man Team Lazer Quest Final

There was real drama in the Men’s Team Lazer Quest Gold Medal Match once again. It seems that the fallout from the semi-final in Moscow 4020, when the Uzbeki team captain pulled the gun lead out of the Brazilian star-shooters backpack so that his gun didn’t work, was still as fresh as an open wound for the Brazilians. The ensuing Uzbeki victory was never forgiven and this years final was a bad tempered repeat of this semi-final. It began with the confiscation of Ronaldinho-Carlos’s gun, as it was found to contain a real lazer which could have had someone’s head off, and ended with a ten man brawl on the stairs in the northern corner of the venue. Eventually, the match was reduced to a one on one “lazer’s at dawn” fast draw contest, which was won by the aptly named Brazilian, Clint.

Of course, the Uzbeki’s still wouldn’t let this lie and argued ferociously that Clint’s cybernetic arm was more accurate than a human one, so he should be competing in the Olympics and not the Homolympics. Ironically, he lost that arm in the semi-final four years ago. The appeals were thrown out and the gold medal awarded to crowd favourites Brazil.

Closing Ceremony

Wolverhampton’s closing ceremony has been widely criticised around the world, but personally it is probably my favourite ever (and I have hundreds of them recorded on my computer).

It was very simple. There was a picture of Wolverhampton’s greatest ever sportsman on the giant screen (a man called Steve Bull, apparently one of the greats of the old gentleman’s sport of football. Still revered even though the sport hasn’t been played for hundreds of years.) A voice recording was played over it which said:

“Alroight. Thanks for coming ter the Olympic Games, I’m shoe-er yow agree it was bostin’. Unfortunately we ran out of money, spent it all on the fireworks in the Opening Ceremony, so I guess yow might as well goo ‘om. The number 9 buzz will get you to Africa and the number 10 to America. Goodbye, ay it.”

There was then a single firework launched into the sky, which pretty much fizzled out with impeccable comedy timing as the Olympic organisers snuck out undetected.

I loved it. Best closing ceremony in history.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my review of the 4024 Olympic Games in Wolverhampton, and that you have taken away from it as many fond memories as I have. Feel free to share them with me, I love to reminisce.

Fish out,

The Easter Bunny Song.

As it’s nearly Easter I thought I’d be topical for a change, instead of just odd.

If you’ve read any of the other material on my blog so far, you’ve probably noticed my love of silliness, and sarcasm. You won’t be let down here, I promise.

Anyway, here it is. “The Easter Bunny Song”. It never became a song as I mistook my guitar for an Easter egg and ate it, but “The Easter Bunny Poem” just sounds rubbish. 

Warning: if you take things too seriously, please ignore.

The Easter Bunny Song


I’ve always thought it rather funny,

Just think about the Easter Bunny.

And what do bunnies always do??

Parents mustn’t have a clue.


 They let him in on Easter morn,

He sneaks upstairs to their young born,

Armed with chocolate to lure them in

On the day that Jesus was cleansed of sin…



I have a solution which may sound bitter,

We should lock him up with Gary Glitter.

Then like and like can shag like bunnies,

I think that image is kinda funny.


We’ll round them up – get Santa Claus!

The bogey man, and the tooth fairy of course.

And the ultimate voyeur, the Man in the Moon.

We’ll get our human rights back soon.


 I hate to live in a society

Where this kind of thing can happen to me

So I’m going to save you all from this,

But I’ll save you first if you’ve got nice tits.



Fish out




Copyright © Matty Millard 2012