Matty M’s Top Tips for Keeping Safe at Christmas

Hello everybody.

It’s been a long time. Don’t worry, the new project I spoke of is on its way, but it’s better than it sounded I promise. Much planning involved. Keep your eyes peeled over the next couple of weeks.

But before all that happens, we have a rather important time of year to get through. A time of year fraught with risks and dangers. People hanging precariously off ladders with lines of twinkling lights draped everywhere. Dad’s setting fire to cakes in your front room. Eating til your stomach is ready to burst. Drinking until the mulled wine tastes nice. The office party….

It is well known that fun and high spirits are the cause of at least 7 headaches and 12 paper cuts every second. But don’t you worry, Matty M has got your back. Here are my top ten tips for keeping the whole family safe over Christmas:

1) Accidental auto-surgery is the cause of at least three injuries every Christmas. When you’re preparing the turkey on Christmas morning, please be careful not to remove your own giblets.

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2) Gift-wrapping razor blades may be funny, but its not nice.

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3) Don’t panic! Its not a bomb, it’s just a cracker. There is no need to jump out of the window.

http://www.istockphoto.com/stock-illustration-7772944-cartoon-christmas-cracker.php

4) Don’t drink and drive. Get a taxi. Remember, the office bike will not get you home.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tandem

5) No matter how irritating it gets, you must not punch Cliff Richard. (Ok, so this one’s optional. Sorry Cliff, but you ruined both our summer and winter holidays)

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6) Drinking makes everyone think they are Superman. Christmas sherry makes you think you are Santa Claus. You’re not, he has a better beard. Please don’t climb onto your neighbour’s roof and down their chimney.

Bad-Santa http://armchairaudience.blogspot.co.uk/2010_01_01_archive.html

7) Using up the left-overs is good. Sprout curry is not. Put the loo roll in the fridge.

http://depositphotos.com/5730475/stock-illustration-Constipated-Man-on-Toilet.html

8) Too much computer gaming is bad for your health. At least have New Year’s Eve away from World of Warcraft. Watch Jools Holland’s Hootenanny, don’t duel trolls and shoot a granny.

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9) Sexual health is especially important at this time of year. Wear a femdom at all times, immaculate conception is at its highest in the winter months.

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And finally,

10) Whatever you do… don’t feed them after midnight.

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Remember kids, your safety is my number one priority.

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Enjoy the festivities, and remember…

Don’t. Kill. Yourself.

Fish out,

Matty M

(Disclaimer: The statistics in this highly factual piece of fiction may have been completely and utterly made up)

The Easter Bunny Song.

As it’s nearly Easter I thought I’d be topical for a change, instead of just odd.

If you’ve read any of the other material on my blog so far, you’ve probably noticed my love of silliness, and sarcasm. You won’t be let down here, I promise.

Anyway, here it is. “The Easter Bunny Song”. It never became a song as I mistook my guitar for an Easter egg and ate it, but “The Easter Bunny Poem” just sounds rubbish. 

Warning: if you take things too seriously, please ignore.

The Easter Bunny Song

 

I’ve always thought it rather funny,

Just think about the Easter Bunny.

And what do bunnies always do??

Parents mustn’t have a clue.

 

 They let him in on Easter morn,

He sneaks upstairs to their young born,

Armed with chocolate to lure them in

On the day that Jesus was cleansed of sin…

 

 

I have a solution which may sound bitter,

We should lock him up with Gary Glitter.

Then like and like can shag like bunnies,

I think that image is kinda funny.

 

We’ll round them up – get Santa Claus!

The bogey man, and the tooth fairy of course.

And the ultimate voyeur, the Man in the Moon.

We’ll get our human rights back soon.

 

 I hate to live in a society

Where this kind of thing can happen to me

So I’m going to save you all from this,

But I’ll save you first if you’ve got nice tits.

HAPPY EASTER!! 

 

Fish out

Matty

 

 

Copyright © Matty Millard 2012

www.mattymfiction.wordpress.com

 

Poems. Ay it?

Good evening all. Today I thought I’d share with you a good bit of black country sarcasm. If you hadn’t noticed from my previous posts, sarcasm and dryness are something which I think I’m rather good at. So here it is. This poem was meant as a song, but it was too depressing for a tune. The tune it wanted to be was too upset to break through the octavian rhythm that whatever it was I thought about four years ago when I wrote it. I assume it was probably beer that caused that. it was uni. Or maybe exams, they were rubbish. The whole point of these words however, was that I was so uninspired that a title just wasn’t neccesary. So here is… “Untitled”. For anyone thats been to my house, its on my wall – if you’ve not noticed.

Untitled

I’m really bored so gonna write,

A stupid song so full of sh*te,

That it may make my boring life,

Entertaining, for one night.

 

It’s gonna be a masterpiece,

To live on past when I’m deceased,

It’ll be the best song in the world,

A song everyone will have heard.

 

My lyrical genius will shine through,

To make you laugh ’til you go blue,

You’ll want to learn all of the words,

So you can impress all the birds.

 

But as I’m so bored I can’t write,

This work of art this very night,

My inspirations running dry

And I have something in my eye.

 

Sweet dreams, people.

Fish out.

Matty M

 Copyright © Matty Millard 2012