Need something to do over the Easter weekend? In That Other Dimension is Free!!

Hi all!

Just a quick post to let you know that In That Other Dimension is FREE on e-book today and on Saturday (19th)! If you’re in need of some lighthearted reading to help you relax over the long weekend, and you like a quirky sense of humour, this is the book for you.

You can find it on Amazon’s everywhere, including:

Amazon.com link                Amazon.co.uk link

About the book….

Parallel dimensions are actually quite squiggly in nature.

This is one of many lessons which Carlos Ernesto Amadeus von Schnaart will learn during his accidental journey into the unknown. Finding the way home and explaining his tequila fuelled disappearance to his fiancee will become minor worries when he he finds himself kidnapped by the evil scientist Dr Funk.

Follow Carlos’s adventures through the parallel universe and find out what happens to him when he gets lost “In That Other Dimension…”

Warning: Contains traces of ducks, cake dragons, jelly babies and the infamous Unicorn Mountain. May induce laughter.

 

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Review snippets…..

“It’s like Bill and Ted, Dr. Who, and Alice in Wonderland got together and started taking hits of acid. It’s wonderfully hilarious, unabashedly random, and you won’t be able to put it down.”

“Excellent debut novel by a talented writer. Funny throughout, fantastic imagery and a thoroughly enjoyable read from cover to cover.”

“Reminiscent of both Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams in humour and intelligent plot deviations, I expect big things from this author!”

 

Limited time ebook offer – 99c, and last week of the giveaway!

Hi everyone!

Firstly – I just thought I had better but a post up to share the news that my book, “In That Other Dimension,” is currently on offer for 99cents / 99p! Anyone who has bought the paperback can get the e-book for free!

If you fancy a chilled out read that will make you laugh then give it a go 🙂

It’s so far got reviews averaging at 4.7 / 5 and quotes including:

“It’s like Bill and Ted, Dr. Who, and Alice in Wonderland got together and started taking hits of acid. It’s wonderfully hilarious, unabashedly random, and you won’t be able to put it down.”

“Excellent debut novel by a talented writer. Funny throughout, fantastic imagery and a thoroughly enjoyable read from cover to cover.”

“Reminiscent of both Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams in humour and intelligent plot deviations, I expect big things from this author!”

v28 for proof 2 reprint merged

Amazon.com link

Amazon.co.uk link

Secondly – it has almost a week left (til 13th April) on a Goodreads Giveaway to win a paperback here

And thirdly, sod it, it’s all bargains this week. On Sunday evening, to my five favourite commenters on this post (authors decision final) I will give away a free pdf ebook! All you need to do is share this post or one of the links in it, somewhere in social media and let me know by commenting below!!

Cheers all!

Matty M

 

In That Other Dimension – Published!!

Hi everyone!

Many of you will have seen mention of my novel “In That Other Dimension” over the last couple of years. It was a story which I actually wrote originally on this blog. So WordPress has been extremely important in terms of motivating myself towards this aim.

Anyway, I don’t how many edits later (far too many!!) it’s ready to go, and here it is in all it’s glory 🙂

Amazon UK link

And yes, you can even buy it on the other side of the world! How cool is that?

Amazon US link

Anyway,  thanks a lot for all the nice comments and support I’ve had on the way! Hope you enjoy the final product!

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My Novel – Getting Closer!

Hi all!

It’s been quite a long time, but then I’ve been quite busy.

Some of you might know, (or even have read it) that I originally wrote a book on my blog. Well since then, I’ve been re-writing and editing, and re-writing and editing, and drawing and editing. Eventually I have a very first actual proof copy which looks and feels like a real book!! That’s because it is, obviously…

Here is the current artwork from my new novel In That Other Dimension. Coming soon, I’ll keep you updated when I have a publishing date!!

In That Other Dimension - Matty Millard

Parallel dimensions are actually quite squiggly in nature.

This is one of many lessons which Carlos Ernesto Amadeus von Schnaart will learn during his accidental journey into the unknown. Finding the way home and explaining his tequila fuelled disappearance to his fiancée will become minor worries when he finds himself kidnapped by the evil scientist, Dr Funk.

Follow Carlos’s adventures through the parallel universe and find out what happens to him when he gets lost “In That Other Dimension…”

Warning:  Contains traces of ducks, cake dragons, jelly babies and the infamous Unicorn Mountain. May induce laughter.

Muthafuckin’ Badass Gangsta Prose, yo?

Wassup bitches?!

I’m probably way behind the times but today I discovered a website called www.gizoogle.net. If you type in a web address it basically translates a webpage of your choice into gangsta. Fo’ realz. I’ll probably waste a lot of time on this today.

One of the first things I did was to translate the first chapter of my novel “In That Other Dimension…” Genius.

Particular favourites from the ensuing literary delights included:

“Tall, olive skinned, black afro heavily gelled ta one side. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass.”

“But dis time he’d left tha iron attached ta two welded together saucepans, inside which he was simulatin tha splittin of tha atom rockin some cheddar n’ a miniature colander.”

“And tha feelin of pimpin’ all up in 497 different parallel ghettos in 3 secondz ta git ta tha destination which he had unwittingly dialled, was clearly just Carlos fallin over.”

“As tha metal split, revealin a huge, black, beady eye, Carlos decided it wasn’t a gangbangin’ thugged-out knockin n’ decided ta cook up a run fo’ dat shit.”

“Put yo muthafuckin choppers up if ya feel this!”

But potentially my favourite thing, is that my blog subtitle says that I’m a “Geek, fo’ realz.”

If you wanna read the gangsta version you can find it here

If you wanna read the real version (first draft is available on this “B-ta-tha-L-O-Gizzay” for free) you can find it here. But “y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!” A quick note to anyone who is reading it at the moment. The whole book is now up to read, but I have been doing major work on it ready for publishing. So this first draft will probably only be up for a month or two longer, as to publish via Createspace you’re not supposed to have it anywhere else so I’ll have to remove it (at least that’s what it sounds like!!) So you’d better finish soon! It’s not too late for some much welcomed feedback if there’s particular bits you like or don’t like or want to know more about in the final draft! “I aint talkin’ bout chicken n’ gravy biatch”

Anywayz, have yo’self some bangin weekend shenanigans fo’ real, innit blud.

Matty M

Dench.

Be Yourself (Everyone Else is Taken)

Hey everyone,

This is probably the most personal thing I’ve written on my blog so far, so it feels a bit weird. That’s OK though, as 2013 is going to be my year of taking risks and doing things which are outside my comfort zone.

I’ve realised that it’s just too easy to sit and let the world pass by.

I guess that when most people summarise their 2012 it will be full of all the things they’ve achieved or done. Holidays, a promotion, a new baby.

Mine has been a little different as it’s been a year of rediscovering who I am.

Over the last few years a number of things outside of my control have happened, and I’ve not dealt with them very well. I’ve made a few bad decisions (or non-decisions), had the wrong priorities in life and basically over time I forgot who I am. During the hard times it’s easier to follow others than be followed.

Needless to say, going into 2012 I had realised this and I was extremely positive – things were going to change. It was a brand new year and I was turning 30 in January. A new decade, a new start.

This is how I got on, and these are the top ten things I rediscovered. It’s quite a weird collection:

  1. Old Friends

One thing you learn after a while is that whilst you may have lots and lots of friends, it’s those you are closest to that make the biggest difference to your life.

Whilst I’m not saying that all of my friends aren’t important to me – they are, but you have to pick and choose the ones that you want as a constant through your life and ensure you make an effort towards them.

This is what I’ve done. Whilst over my very recent years I’ve made some very close friends who I will continue to see a lot of, I got my life balance wrong which meant that I’ve neglected some others.

2012 saw me spend a lot of time with some of my oldest friends, from university and my home town.

I don’t want to be able to classify my friends into Past and Present. I want my friends to be part of my Present and my Future.

2. Red Dwarf

I’m not really a big TV watcher. When I’m at home I prefer to be doing something whether it’s playing my guitar, writing or reading. However, I had a big stroke of luck when my friend won tickets to the SFX Weekender in March and asked me to go. “We won’t enjoy it, it’s far too geeky” we said. “Yeah, it’s a free weekend in Wales if nothing else isn’t it?”

How wrong were we? We bought our tickets for 2013 the following week.

Sitting in the bar in front of those ginormous TV screens reminded my just how funny a sweaty socked slob, a laundry obsessed robot, a man evolved over three million years from cats and a holographic smeghead can be.

More importantly, it also reminded me how to switch my brain off and do absolutely nothing.

We all need time out to just relax.

  1. Posing

Ok, anyone that knows me will tell you I always look like an idiot in photos cos I pull stupid faces when I’ve had a few.

But this year, I got to pose with hair for the first time in ages.

th.photolist.net

th.photolist.net

Fit, yeah?

Don’t be afraid of looking silly. It can be fun.

  1. Europe

Over the last few years I’ve done a lot of travelling and have absolutely loved it all. I’ve been to far flung places including Australia, Thailand and Peru. This year, with some of those old friends I mentioned before, I had a proper little travel through Europe.

I’d forgotten that you don’t need to sit on a plane for 18 hours to have a decent holiday, and the beauty and character of Prague, the majesty of Vienna, the natural charm of Slovenia, the beaches and general friendliness of Croatia, combined with the mind blowing grandeur of Venice reminded me of that. I even had a brilliant week in Dorset, in a caravan, in the rain.

Shorter, more regular holidays closer to home are looking far more attractive to me than they used to. I’ll still do my big travels don’t get me wrong, but not every year.

venice

This premise can be attributed to more than just holidays.

You don’t have to look far for something amazing to do.

  1. Soup

Last year I went a bit mental and asked for a soup maker for Christmas. (For anyone that’s not seen one, it’s basically a blender with an inbuilt heating element.)

I know, I’m a little ashamed. I’m a single bloke, I should be getting computer games, drum kits, football shirts, or if it has to be something household based – a home brew kit. (Note: As it’s Christmas, if anyone’s feeling generous anything on the list above would be cracking. Cheers)

Still, it was a great present. There are very few things better than soup on a cold winter’s day.

I love cooking when you don’t need a recipe. Just chuck anything you like into a soup maker and it works.

Butternut squash and chilli with a random selection of other vegetables always wins.

In fact, I’m actually supposed to be making soup now instead of writing. Looks like I’m having it after my main course.

Make soup. Oh, and eat your greens.

  1. Heavy metal

I know heavy metal isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, that’s been my problem.

Since I finished university I’ve found it more difficult to find people to go to gigs with and I’ve found myself just giving up asking, and eventually not going at all. This made me sad, and I eventually realised that I’d pretty much stopped listening to music.

At school I played piano, french horn and sang. I was in all the bands, orchestra’s, choirs etc. After school I played guitar, wrote songs and sang them to all my friends at uni. I even bought a trumpet all because of Reel Big Fish. So it should be fairly clear how important a role music has played in my life, and to forget that is pretty dismal going.

But this year I’ve found that as I’ve been regaining my identity I’ve been listening to lots more music again. I began in February in the 90’s when I regressed to my Brit-pop days. Oasis, Lightening Seeds, Pulp and Supergrass were bizarrely sandwiched between Nirvana and Fear Factory as my musical tastes grew through my teens.

Having re-discovered or found new gig friends along the way this year, I’ve been to see Terrorvision, Marilyn Manson and Less Than Jake in the last couple of months, and have bought my Download ticket for the summer. That’s the way my world should be.

And thanks to a TV programme called Metal Evolution which I watched last night, I discovered a genre called Power Metal. Songs about elvish wars with ridiculously fast guitar solos, where have you been all my life?

If your friends don’t share your interests, search out some new ones that do.

  1. Fish

I just love the word “Fish.” There’s just something so satisfying about saying it.

Take the emphasis off the “i” and hold the “sh”. That’s it, more like “fshhh.”

Makes you warm in the gills doesn’t it?

Next time your boss asks you what you think about something, just simply say “Fish.”

Being a bit weird is healthy.

  1. Making People Laugh – Literally

I’ve always had a creative streak which has always involved humour. When I was at school I used to write stupid stories and poems to make my friends laugh. When I was at uni I invented “Prank Rock.” That’s comedy acoustic punk to you. In the last few years I’ve got into my writing properly again, but have mainly done it for myself. I’ve shared it with one or two of my friends, but until this year it has been a largely solitary hobby.

That is until I began writing my novel “In That Other Dimension…” on my blog here. I really enjoyed it, it felt good to share my writing and my sense of humour with people. Even more so, having my friends, and on occasion complete strangers, tell me that it was good and it had made them laugh made my writing more worthwhile.

blog

Blogging my novel really spurred me on to finish it and get it ready for publishing. I have now edited it three times and passed it to my beta-readers for Christmas. Aren’t I kind?!

Sharing an interest is rewarding.

  1. Enjoying waking up to go to work

Haha. Did you really think I’d discovered how to do this?

Fools.

The implied title of point 9, is “Sarcasm.”

Maintain your sense of humour through everything.

  1. Me

And through the nine points you have read above, you can see that over the year I’ve begun to rediscover exactly who I am.

If you forget who you are, it can be hard to find yourself again. You can’t instantly force yourself to enjoy things, and some things you do just grow out of (like trousers. It’s well annoying.)

I’m not 100% there, but what I do know is that this is the most positive I’ve been going into the New Year for a long time. I’ve got a whole long list of things I want to do this year and I am pretty sure I’ll knock a fair few off fairly soon.

Anyway, if you’re still with me I hope that you enjoyed the read and it might even have helped you in some way. Here’s to doing what is important to you, and having a positive and successful 2013.

Be yourself, everyone else is taken.

But don’t do that just cos I told you to 😉

Fish out,

Matty

© Matty Millard 2012

http://www.mattymfiction.wordpress.com

Matty M’s Top Tips for Keeping Safe at Christmas

Hello everybody.

It’s been a long time. Don’t worry, the new project I spoke of is on its way, but it’s better than it sounded I promise. Much planning involved. Keep your eyes peeled over the next couple of weeks.

But before all that happens, we have a rather important time of year to get through. A time of year fraught with risks and dangers. People hanging precariously off ladders with lines of twinkling lights draped everywhere. Dad’s setting fire to cakes in your front room. Eating til your stomach is ready to burst. Drinking until the mulled wine tastes nice. The office party….

It is well known that fun and high spirits are the cause of at least 7 headaches and 12 paper cuts every second. But don’t you worry, Matty M has got your back. Here are my top ten tips for keeping the whole family safe over Christmas:

1) Accidental auto-surgery is the cause of at least three injuries every Christmas. When you’re preparing the turkey on Christmas morning, please be careful not to remove your own giblets.

turkey-carving-2-300x214

2) Gift-wrapping razor blades may be funny, but its not nice.

1048122-Cartoon-Man-Screaming-Over-A-Cut-Poster-Art-Print

3) Don’t panic! Its not a bomb, it’s just a cracker. There is no need to jump out of the window.

http://www.istockphoto.com/stock-illustration-7772944-cartoon-christmas-cracker.php

4) Don’t drink and drive. Get a taxi. Remember, the office bike will not get you home.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tandem

5) No matter how irritating it gets, you must not punch Cliff Richard. (Ok, so this one’s optional. Sorry Cliff, but you ruined both our summer and winter holidays)

http://cliffricharddyinginside.tumblr.com/

6) Drinking makes everyone think they are Superman. Christmas sherry makes you think you are Santa Claus. You’re not, he has a better beard. Please don’t climb onto your neighbour’s roof and down their chimney.

Bad-Santa http://armchairaudience.blogspot.co.uk/2010_01_01_archive.html

7) Using up the left-overs is good. Sprout curry is not. Put the loo roll in the fridge.

http://depositphotos.com/5730475/stock-illustration-Constipated-Man-on-Toilet.html

8) Too much computer gaming is bad for your health. At least have New Year’s Eve away from World of Warcraft. Watch Jools Holland’s Hootenanny, don’t duel trolls and shoot a granny.

http://www.epilogue.net/cgi/database/art/view.pl?id=128887

9) Sexual health is especially important at this time of year. Wear a femdom at all times, immaculate conception is at its highest in the winter months.

images

And finally,

10) Whatever you do… don’t feed them after midnight.

gremlins3

Remember kids, your safety is my number one priority.

merry-christmas-banner

Enjoy the festivities, and remember…

Don’t. Kill. Yourself.

Fish out,

Matty M

(Disclaimer: The statistics in this highly factual piece of fiction may have been completely and utterly made up)

Review of the Olympic Games, 4024

Hey all.

I just wanted to share with you my experience of the Olympic Games just passed. What a fabulous event it was, bringing together all the people of the world to take part in a friendly yet unparalleled level of competition.

As I’m sure you know, the modern day Olympics happens every four years and is in a different city every time. This year I was so excited as for the first time ever, it was in my home city of Wolverhampton, England! The vibe and atmosphere around the city was unbelievable, and everything seemed to run smoothly in all the new arenas built for the event.

Of course, I had the whole five weeks off such that I could soak up the atmosphere and watch as many events as possible.

I didn’t actually go to any though, I couldn’t be bothered. It would have taken me a whole five minutes to fly my hoverboard to the Olympic Stadium. That’s a lot of effort. I watched it all in my bedroom in virtual reality on the Interactivenet. The atmosphere was far better here anyway. Sat under my little body scanner like everyone else, it meant that there were around 3 million people I could talk to, and they were all clapping and screaming through the surround sound in my room. It was electrifying.

There are two parts to the Olympics, the first of which is the main event and gets the most coverage. This is where all the fastest and strongest competitors compete for their gold medals. Cyborgs and androids from all around the world are put through rigorous routines and tested to the highest degree. Only those which pass the most stringent tests and have the highest specifications can enter.

The second part of the event has just finished. Personally, this is the part I enjoy the most even if it doesn’t get the same amount of attention. The Homolympics, the Olympics for Homo Sapiens, is the part of the Olympics where normal people like you and me compete. It’s such a rarity to see sports played. Yes, we play them virtually through the Interactivenet all the time, but actually outside? In the polluted air? I have to say though, it’s amazing to see these athletes in their prime, some of them are so fit they even weigh in at under 20 stone!

Below are reviews of some of my favourite events and moments of the 4024 Wolverhampton Olympic Games.

The Ultimate Marathon

This gruelling event is a race consisting of 43 regular marathons run in a row. The original marathon is now one of the shortest events at the Olympics and the best androids finish it in around 15 seconds. The ultimate marathon is the longest distance event in the Olympics, and I can’t exactly remember the story, but it is something about a man in a dress running 43 marathons in a row to help children in Africa back in the 2000’s. Something like that. Anyway, this guy was a real hero and this race commemorates that achievement.

The Ultimate Marathon began and ended in Wolverhampton and went all around the UK to Wales, Scotland and Ireland. The two most fancied competitors were Rob Cod of Great Britain, and Artur Dieter of Germany. Unbelievably though, a unfancied young American called Dale Heck led the field from start to finish, breaking the world record by almost a minute and a half, and it could have been more! He was already celebrating as he ran up Darlington St to cross the finish line next to Beatties. However, after a thorough investigation amidst furious protestations from his coaches, Dale Heck was disqualified. Drugs tests had found that he was using what is known as the “invigorating lube”, WDK40, to enhance his performance. Disqualification meant a victory for the aforementioned Brit!

Extreme Gymnastics

Despite having its critics who say that this is not a proper Homolympic event, even though it has been a part of the Games for about 50 years now, I always enjoy watching the Extreme Gymnastics, especially the Bungee Routine.

Launching herself off a 200m high tower, Xie Xhu Xie performed a spectacular triple somersault, double twist with tuck on the way down, with a quadruple backwards somersault on the way up. This scored her the first ever perfect 10 in Homolympics history, which she followed up with performances in Hoverboard Vaulting and Artistic Planking on the way to the Women’s Individual Extreme Gymnastics gold medal.

Artistic Planking

Speed Vacuuming – Coarse Dust Division

Probably the robotic sport with the longest tradition, the Speed Vacuuming final was the closest fought event of recent times. The defending champion Ben Derr was losing by 2.01 seconds at the halfway stage of two tonnes, yet caught up and finally won by a hundredth of a second! This was Ben Derr’s 105th Olympic medal, and made him the most successful Olympian of all time. Well known for a quirky curl on the top of his head, this fashion has spiralled out of control with robots all over the world getting them fitted, or even in some cases performing auto-surgery of various success rates in desperation to emulate their hero.

Men’s Four Man Team Lazer Quest Final

There was real drama in the Men’s Team Lazer Quest Gold Medal Match once again. It seems that the fallout from the semi-final in Moscow 4020, when the Uzbeki team captain pulled the gun lead out of the Brazilian star-shooters backpack so that his gun didn’t work, was still as fresh as an open wound for the Brazilians. The ensuing Uzbeki victory was never forgiven and this years final was a bad tempered repeat of this semi-final. It began with the confiscation of Ronaldinho-Carlos’s gun, as it was found to contain a real lazer which could have had someone’s head off, and ended with a ten man brawl on the stairs in the northern corner of the venue. Eventually, the match was reduced to a one on one “lazer’s at dawn” fast draw contest, which was won by the aptly named Brazilian, Clint.

Of course, the Uzbeki’s still wouldn’t let this lie and argued ferociously that Clint’s cybernetic arm was more accurate than a human one, so he should be competing in the Olympics and not the Homolympics. Ironically, he lost that arm in the semi-final four years ago. The appeals were thrown out and the gold medal awarded to crowd favourites Brazil.

Closing Ceremony

Wolverhampton’s closing ceremony has been widely criticised around the world, but personally it is probably my favourite ever (and I have hundreds of them recorded on my computer).

It was very simple. There was a picture of Wolverhampton’s greatest ever sportsman on the giant screen (a man called Steve Bull, apparently one of the greats of the old gentleman’s sport of football. Still revered even though the sport hasn’t been played for hundreds of years.) A voice recording was played over it which said:

“Alroight. Thanks for coming ter the Olympic Games, I’m shoe-er yow agree it was bostin’. Unfortunately we ran out of money, spent it all on the fireworks in the Opening Ceremony, so I guess yow might as well goo ‘om. The number 9 buzz will get you to Africa and the number 10 to America. Goodbye, ay it.”

There was then a single firework launched into the sky, which pretty much fizzled out with impeccable comedy timing as the Olympic organisers snuck out undetected.

I loved it. Best closing ceremony in history.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my review of the 4024 Olympic Games in Wolverhampton, and that you have taken away from it as many fond memories as I have. Feel free to share them with me, I love to reminisce.

Fish out,
Matty

http://www.mattymfiction.wordpress.com

The Easter Bunny Song.

As it’s nearly Easter I thought I’d be topical for a change, instead of just odd.

If you’ve read any of the other material on my blog so far, you’ve probably noticed my love of silliness, and sarcasm. You won’t be let down here, I promise.

Anyway, here it is. “The Easter Bunny Song”. It never became a song as I mistook my guitar for an Easter egg and ate it, but “The Easter Bunny Poem” just sounds rubbish. 

Warning: if you take things too seriously, please ignore.

The Easter Bunny Song

 

I’ve always thought it rather funny,

Just think about the Easter Bunny.

And what do bunnies always do??

Parents mustn’t have a clue.

 

 They let him in on Easter morn,

He sneaks upstairs to their young born,

Armed with chocolate to lure them in

On the day that Jesus was cleansed of sin…

 

 

I have a solution which may sound bitter,

We should lock him up with Gary Glitter.

Then like and like can shag like bunnies,

I think that image is kinda funny.

 

We’ll round them up – get Santa Claus!

The bogey man, and the tooth fairy of course.

And the ultimate voyeur, the Man in the Moon.

We’ll get our human rights back soon.

 

 I hate to live in a society

Where this kind of thing can happen to me

So I’m going to save you all from this,

But I’ll save you first if you’ve got nice tits.

HAPPY EASTER!! 

 

Fish out

Matty

 

 

Copyright © Matty Millard 2012

www.mattymfiction.wordpress.com