Muthafuckin’ Badass Gangsta Prose, yo?

Wassup bitches?!

I’m probably way behind the times but today I discovered a website called www.gizoogle.net. If you type in a web address it basically translates a webpage of your choice into gangsta. Fo’ realz. I’ll probably waste a lot of time on this today.

One of the first things I did was to translate the first chapter of my novel “In That Other Dimension…” Genius.

Particular favourites from the ensuing literary delights included:

“Tall, olive skinned, black afro heavily gelled ta one side. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass.”

“But dis time he’d left tha iron attached ta two welded together saucepans, inside which he was simulatin tha splittin of tha atom rockin some cheddar n’ a miniature colander.”

“And tha feelin of pimpin’ all up in 497 different parallel ghettos in 3 secondz ta git ta tha destination which he had unwittingly dialled, was clearly just Carlos fallin over.”

“As tha metal split, revealin a huge, black, beady eye, Carlos decided it wasn’t a gangbangin’ thugged-out knockin n’ decided ta cook up a run fo’ dat shit.”

“Put yo muthafuckin choppers up if ya feel this!”

But potentially my favourite thing, is that my blog subtitle says that I’m a “Geek, fo’ realz.”

If you wanna read the gangsta version you can find it here

If you wanna read the real version (first draft is available on this “B-ta-tha-L-O-Gizzay” for free) you can find it here. But “y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!” A quick note to anyone who is reading it at the moment. The whole book is now up to read, but I have been doing major work on it ready for publishing. So this first draft will probably only be up for a month or two longer, as to publish via Createspace you’re not supposed to have it anywhere else so I’ll have to remove it (at least that’s what it sounds like!!) So you’d better finish soon! It’s not too late for some much welcomed feedback if there’s particular bits you like or don’t like or want to know more about in the final draft! “I aint talkin’ bout chicken n’ gravy biatch”

Anywayz, have yo’self some bangin weekend shenanigans fo’ real, innit blud.

Matty M

Dench.

Advertisements

Matty M’s Top Tips for Keeping Safe at Christmas

Hello everybody.

It’s been a long time. Don’t worry, the new project I spoke of is on its way, but it’s better than it sounded I promise. Much planning involved. Keep your eyes peeled over the next couple of weeks.

But before all that happens, we have a rather important time of year to get through. A time of year fraught with risks and dangers. People hanging precariously off ladders with lines of twinkling lights draped everywhere. Dad’s setting fire to cakes in your front room. Eating til your stomach is ready to burst. Drinking until the mulled wine tastes nice. The office party….

It is well known that fun and high spirits are the cause of at least 7 headaches and 12 paper cuts every second. But don’t you worry, Matty M has got your back. Here are my top ten tips for keeping the whole family safe over Christmas:

1) Accidental auto-surgery is the cause of at least three injuries every Christmas. When you’re preparing the turkey on Christmas morning, please be careful not to remove your own giblets.

turkey-carving-2-300x214

2) Gift-wrapping razor blades may be funny, but its not nice.

1048122-Cartoon-Man-Screaming-Over-A-Cut-Poster-Art-Print

3) Don’t panic! Its not a bomb, it’s just a cracker. There is no need to jump out of the window.

http://www.istockphoto.com/stock-illustration-7772944-cartoon-christmas-cracker.php

4) Don’t drink and drive. Get a taxi. Remember, the office bike will not get you home.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tandem

5) No matter how irritating it gets, you must not punch Cliff Richard. (Ok, so this one’s optional. Sorry Cliff, but you ruined both our summer and winter holidays)

http://cliffricharddyinginside.tumblr.com/

6) Drinking makes everyone think they are Superman. Christmas sherry makes you think you are Santa Claus. You’re not, he has a better beard. Please don’t climb onto your neighbour’s roof and down their chimney.

Bad-Santa http://armchairaudience.blogspot.co.uk/2010_01_01_archive.html

7) Using up the left-overs is good. Sprout curry is not. Put the loo roll in the fridge.

http://depositphotos.com/5730475/stock-illustration-Constipated-Man-on-Toilet.html

8) Too much computer gaming is bad for your health. At least have New Year’s Eve away from World of Warcraft. Watch Jools Holland’s Hootenanny, don’t duel trolls and shoot a granny.

http://www.epilogue.net/cgi/database/art/view.pl?id=128887

9) Sexual health is especially important at this time of year. Wear a femdom at all times, immaculate conception is at its highest in the winter months.

images

And finally,

10) Whatever you do… don’t feed them after midnight.

gremlins3

Remember kids, your safety is my number one priority.

merry-christmas-banner

Enjoy the festivities, and remember…

Don’t. Kill. Yourself.

Fish out,

Matty M

(Disclaimer: The statistics in this highly factual piece of fiction may have been completely and utterly made up)

Poems. Ay it?

Good evening all. Today I thought I’d share with you a good bit of black country sarcasm. If you hadn’t noticed from my previous posts, sarcasm and dryness are something which I think I’m rather good at. So here it is. This poem was meant as a song, but it was too depressing for a tune. The tune it wanted to be was too upset to break through the octavian rhythm that whatever it was I thought about four years ago when I wrote it. I assume it was probably beer that caused that. it was uni. Or maybe exams, they were rubbish. The whole point of these words however, was that I was so uninspired that a title just wasn’t neccesary. So here is… “Untitled”. For anyone thats been to my house, its on my wall – if you’ve not noticed.

Untitled

I’m really bored so gonna write,

A stupid song so full of sh*te,

That it may make my boring life,

Entertaining, for one night.

 

It’s gonna be a masterpiece,

To live on past when I’m deceased,

It’ll be the best song in the world,

A song everyone will have heard.

 

My lyrical genius will shine through,

To make you laugh ’til you go blue,

You’ll want to learn all of the words,

So you can impress all the birds.

 

But as I’m so bored I can’t write,

This work of art this very night,

My inspirations running dry

And I have something in my eye.

 

Sweet dreams, people.

Fish out.

Matty M

 Copyright © Matty Millard 2012