Matty M’s Top Tips for Keeping Safe at Christmas

Hi all.

First of all, a very Merry Christmas to all of you!!!!

Here’s a little (reposted) bit of humour from my blog last Christmas, hope it makes you smile.

 

It is well known that fun and high spirits are the cause of at least 7 headaches and 12 paper cuts every second. But don’t you worry, Matty M has got your back. Here are my top ten tips for keeping the whole family safe over Christmas:

1) Accidental auto-surgery is the cause of at least three injuries every Christmas. When you’re preparing the turkey on Christmas morning, please be careful not to remove your own giblets.

turkey-carving-2-300x214

2) Gift-wrapping razor blades may be funny, but its not nice.

1048122-Cartoon-Man-Screaming-Over-A-Cut-Poster-Art-Print

3) Don’t panic! Its not a bomb, it’s just a cracker. There is no need to jump out of the window.

http://www.istockphoto.com/stock-illustration-7772944-cartoon-christmas-cracker.php

4) Don’t drink and drive. Get a taxi. Remember, the office bike will not get you home.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tandem

5) No matter how irritating it gets, you must not punch Cliff Richard. (Ok, so this one’s optional. Sorry Cliff, but you ruined both our summer and winter holidays)

http://cliffricharddyinginside.tumblr.com/

6) Drinking makes everyone think they are Superman. Christmas sherry makes you think you are Santa Claus. You’re not, he has a better beard. Please don’t climb onto your neighbour’s roof and down their chimney.

Bad-Santa http://armchairaudience.blogspot.co.uk/2010_01_01_archive.html

7) Using up the left-overs is good. Sprout curry is not. Put the loo roll in the fridge.

http://depositphotos.com/5730475/stock-illustration-Constipated-Man-on-Toilet.html

8) Too much computer gaming is bad for your health. At least have New Year’s Eve away from World of Warcraft. Watch Jools Holland’s Hootenanny, don’t duel trolls and shoot a granny.

http://www.epilogue.net/cgi/database/art/view.pl?id=128887

9) Sexual health is especially important at this time of year. Wear a femdom at all times, immaculate conception is at its highest in the winter months.

images

And finally,

10) Whatever you do… don’t feed them after midnight.

gremlins3

 

Remember kids, your safety is my number one priority.

merry-christmas-banner

Much love,

Matty M

 

(Disclaimer: The statistics in this highly factual piece of fiction may have been completely and utterly made up)

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