It’s been a long time. Don’t worry, the new project I spoke of is on its way, but it’s better than it sounded I promise. Much planning involved. Keep your eyes peeled over the next couple of weeks.
But before all that happens, we have a rather important time of year to get through. A time of year fraught with risks and dangers. People hanging precariously off ladders with lines of twinkling lights draped everywhere. Dad’s setting fire to cakes in your front room. Eating til your stomach is ready to burst. Drinking until the mulled wine tastes nice. The office party….
It is well known that fun and high spirits are the cause of at least 7 headaches and 12 paper cuts every second. But don’t you worry, Matty M has got your back. Here are my top ten tips for keeping the whole family safe over Christmas:
1) Accidental auto-surgery is the cause of at least three injuries every Christmas. When you’re preparing the turkey on Christmas morning, please be careful not to remove your own giblets.
2) Gift-wrapping razor blades may be funny, but its not nice.
3) Don’t panic! Its not a bomb, it’s just a cracker. There is no need to jump out of the window.
4) Don’t drink and drive. Get a taxi. Remember, the office bike will not get you home.
5) No matter how irritating it gets, you must not punch Cliff Richard. (Ok, so this one’s optional. Sorry Cliff, but you ruined both our summer and winter holidays)
6) Drinking makes everyone think they are Superman. Christmas sherry makes you think you are Santa Claus. You’re not, he has a better beard. Please don’t climb onto your neighbour’s roof and down their chimney.
7) Using up the left-overs is good. Sprout curry is not. Put the loo roll in the fridge.
8) Too much computer gaming is bad for your health. At least have New Year’s Eve away from World of Warcraft. Watch Jools Holland’s Hootenanny, don’t duel trolls and shoot a granny.
9) Sexual health is especially important at this time of year. Wear a femdom at all times, immaculate conception is at its highest in the winter months.
10) Whatever you do… don’t feed them after midnight.
Remember kids, your safety is my number one priority.
Enjoy the festivities, and remember…
Don’t. Kill. Yourself.
(Disclaimer: The statistics in this highly factual piece of fiction may have been completely and utterly made up)